


When scary bottoms are arguing about bottoms, try not to wake the dragon from his temporary death - you will cause yourself a Zayn in the ass.

by KayleighMcCamyo



Series: Groupchats of One Direction and 5 Seconds of Summer [7]
Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band), One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack, Daddy Kink, Dicks, Fluff, Gay, Humor, I am so sorry, Lashton - Freeform, M/M, Muke - Freeform, Sarcasm, Sex, Sextape, Slash, Trash Talk, bottoms, calum the whore, captain of his ship, cracfic, groupchat, larry - Freeform, liam is done, louis is a cockslut, luke is leaving the band, niall is pansexual, the husbands, ziam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-12 15:34:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4484911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KayleighMcCamyo/pseuds/KayleighMcCamyo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Liam: I DIDN´T  WANT TO SEE THIS EITHER OH YM GOD WHERE IS CALUM I NEED MY CALUM HE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY NORMAL PERSON HERE</p><p>Harry: youve just seen his dick</p><p>Luke: everyone has seen his dick</p><p>Ash: yup</p><p>Ash: we call it familliary the boomerang</p><p>Luke: it's basically a member of our band</p><p>Ash: the truth is, we like it way more than we like calum himself</p><p>Luke: we just need it to learn to play the bass</p><p>Ash: so we can throw calum out of the band.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When scary bottoms are arguing about bottoms, try not to wake the dragon from his temporary death - you will cause yourself a Zayn in the ass.

Ashton Irwin (Ash) has started a groupchat. He’s invited: Luke, Mikey, Cal, Louis, Zayn, Liam, Harry, Niall.

 

 **Ash** : what the fuck

 **Ash** : what the serious fuck

 **Luke** : everybody shut the fuck up

 **Ash** : hey luke don't SWEAR!!

 **Luke** : and fuck you too

 **Liam** : seriously guys tell me one reason why THE FUCK HAVE WE INVITED YOU TO BE A PART OFT HE TOUR?!?!

 **Harry** : Louis has got a crush on Ash, that's why.

 **Ash** : I-

 **Luke** : any other news, or i can finally fucking sleep

 **Ash** : Luke-!

 **Luke** : I AM FUCKING LEAVING THIS FUCKING HOUSE I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD

 **Liam** : oh my god

 **Harry** : sshhhh, baby penguin, you’re alright, sweetie

 **Luke** : OHM MY GOD SHUT U ALL OF YOU I WANNA SLEEP WHAT THE FUCK LET ME LIVE

 **Ash** : it’s okay, Lukey, do you want me to go to your room to cuddle a bit?

 **Harry** : do you want to come to mine, lukey? Ill hug you good and you can sleep safely here, i promise.

 **Ash** : hush away, styles, he’s mine!

 **Luke** : LITERALLY SOMEONE SHOT THOSE FUCKIGN FUCKEDR S LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS LIKE NINE AM

 **Liam** : what's going on anyway?

 **Harry** : I have no idea. We were having perfect morning sex-

 **Luke** : okay haz you can speak

 **Liam** : oh my sweet lord banging the drums please not

 **Ash** : i am right here liam and please yes, haz.

 **Luke** : tell us more

 **Ash** : im always slut for larry sex

 **Harry** : awwww, you are both sweethearts.

 **Liam** : CAN YOU PLEASE HAVE DIFFERENT CHAT FOR THAT MY ASS STILL HURTS FROM THE RAPE BY THE SEXGOD

 **Luke** : *giggling emoji*

 **Ash** : haha

 **Harry** : sorry, li, but it had to be done. Zayn was dying of blue balls and at least we finally have ziam sextape

 **Ash** : i was jerking off to it like 7 times last night

 **Luke** : why do u think im so tired

 **Liam** : harry please what is hppening with your husband and the 5sos whore

 **Ash** : HEY!

 **Luke** : IT'S MY HUSBAND YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT

 **Harry** : And Niall was very happy to have it

 **Liam** : yes, but ziam is still third in his list.

 **Luke** : no, it's not. It's second as well as muke.

 **Ash** : What about lashton

 **Liam** : oh my god please don't get involved in the mess of Nialls otp’s and sextapes

 **Liam** : it hurts

 **Luke** : *giggling emoji*

 **Harry** : okay.

 **Harry** : so after that, Louis went to the kitchen for some water and maybe breakfast

 **Luke** : i am so dissappointed

 **Ash** : literally harold why are you even here

 **Luke** : I want larry sex story

 **Harry** : Ill tell ya later

 **Liam** : oh thank fucking  god

 **Ash** : you are welcome, liam.

 **Luke** : *giggling emoji*

 **Harry** : and then ive heard all of this noise.

 **Liam** : …

 **Luke** : …

 **Ash** : …

 **Liam** : and like, that's it?

 **Luke** : soooo

 **Ash** : at least tell us who topped

 **Luke** : well id say louis was all his, cuz, you know, he’s got no control…

 **Liam** : oh My fucFUCKING GDO

 **Ash** : :D :D :D :D :D :D

 **Harry** : *smiley emoji*

 **Harry** : yeah

 **Luke** : *giggling emoji*

 **Harry** : Louis would be proud, Luke

 **Liam** : he would, but he's currently yelling through the house and obviously arguing with calum

 **Liam** : ill go and see what is this mess about

 **Harry** : i have no idea what happened, really. He was just about to bring us some breakfast, maybe a tea.

 **Luke** : okay why is naked louis in the hall, yelling up the stairs?

 **Harry** : yea, and he was naked, when he left the room

 **Ash** : WHERE IS MY CAMERA

 **Liam** : I AM LOCKING MYSELF IN MY ROOM AND IM NEVER COMING OUT EVER AGAIN

 **Luke** : Li…? Something wrong…?

 **Ash** : OH MY FUCKIGN GOD I NEED THIS ON TAPE FOR NIALL WHEN HE COMES BACK

 **Harry** : im so sorry, Li

 **Luke** : what's happening

 **Ash** : CALUM AND LOUIS ARE BOTH NAKED IN THE HALL, YELLING AND ARGUING OVER SOEMTHING I DON'T KNOW

 **Liam** : I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE THEYRE ALRIGHT SO I OPENED MY DOOR AND THE ONLY THING I SEE IS CALUMS DICK SO I LOOK AWAY IMMEDIATELY AND ALL I SEE NOW IS LOUIS DICK I AM LEAVING SHIT SUCKING HOUSEHOLD

 **Luke** : oh my god

 **Ash** : DON'T FORGET TO CAPTURE IT ON THE CAMERA LIAM WE CAN'T DO THIS TO NIALL

 **Ash** : THINK OF THE CHIL DREN LIAM

 **Luke** : what

 **Liam** : ASHTON WHAT THE FUCK?!?!!?!?!!

 **Harry** : Liam i am so so sorry, ill go for him and force some pants on him

 **Luke** : one would say it's harry whos naked all the time

 **Ash** : HARRY IF YOU ARE GOING FOR YOUR HUSBAND DON'T TAKE ANY PANTS

 **Luke** : oh my god

 **Ash** : THOSE ARE HE RULES STYLES SORRY I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP THOSE ARE LEGIT RULES

 **Harry** : *sighing emoji*

 **Liam** : I AM LEAVING THIS HOU SE

 **Ash** : YOU CAN LEAVE BUT YOU MUST BE NAKED TO DO SO

 **Liam** : OH MY FUCKIGN GOD I AM LEAVING THE BAND AND IM STAYING IN MY ROOM FOREVER I DON'T WANNA SEE ANY OTHER DICK EVER AGAIN

 **Niall** : Daddy

 **Ash** : yes, love?

 **Liam** : oh my god NIAL NO!!!

 **Niall** : awww, Ashie ily

 **Ash** : hii, love

 **Luke** : I am a bit jealous

 **Ash** : Shut up you never call me daddy

 **Harry** : yes, he does

 **Niall** : yes he does

 **Luke** : yes I do

 **Liam** : ohm  MY GOD NOT AGAIN PLEASE NO MY EYES

 **Niall** : yes he does we all heard the two of you few days ago

 **Ash** : you got it recorded?

 **Niall** : of course, daddy^^

 **Ash** : my fav

 **Liam** : I AM LEAVING THE BAND

 **Ash** : so, what's wrong, honey?

 **Niall** : Zayn is rude

 **Harry** : impossible.

 **Luke** : wow, u don't say.

 **Ash** : well, love, you are in public, aren't you?

 **Niall** : yes. At the shopping centre, actually.

 **Ash** : yeah, well, that's kinda zayns job. To be rude.

 **Liam** : yeah, ni, daddy ash is right. You know, zaynie is the most amazing human being ever, he's prettier than natalie dormer and hotter than david backham

 **Ash** : my little baby.

 **Liam** : so of course zaynie gets frustrated, when he's with normal people.

 **Niall** : but.

 **Niall** : he's rude.

 **Ash** : what has he done, baby?

 **Niall** : we’re in the supermarket, you said you need stuff for the sushi u wanna make

 **Liam** : yes, good boys

 **Niall** : and i said him to pick the cutest cashier

 **Ash** : yes, of course, baby

 **Niall** : and he said „ofc“ and went to the self checkouts.

 **Liam** : oh my god.

 **Ash** : :D :D :D :D :D

 **Harry** : well

 **Harry** : where is the lie, tho

 **Niall** : BUT THERE WAS REAL CUTE DUDE

 **Niall** : HE WAS LIKE IN HIS MID 20S AND HE'S HAD GREEN EYES AND BLACK MESSY HAIR AND JAW LINE JUST LIKE TOMMO

 **Harry** : oh. Oh. I am sorry, Ni. That was a shame, tommo jawline is a god’s gift to the poor ones

 **Luke** : you are multimilionaire

 **Harry** : don't be rude luke

 **Liam** : …okay i see your point, ni. I am sorry and I spank Zayn when you come back.

 **Ash** : *whispering* Li

 **Liam** : yes.

 **Ash** : *whispering* I thought Ni is straight

 **Liam** : pansexual, actually, but he prefers cute things, and usually girls are cuter than boys, at least for niall.

 **Liam** : he also loves being called cute things.

 **Ash** : ahh, good to know. Okay. Can I join in in the daddy thing?

 **Liam** : well you answered nialls daddy call and he didn´t  say it wasn’t for you but me, so you are probably already in

 **Niall** : thanks, daddy.

 **Liam** : Anything for my little princess. Now get home. I need to feed you sushi and spank Zayn…

 **Ash** : oh my god liam stop you are giving me a boner

 **Luke** : should i stay or should i go now

 **Liam** : … right after i find my balls to get out of my room.

 **Harry** : depends, lukey. Do you like it when im on my knees?

 **Niall** : what? why?

 **Luke** : OH MY FUCKIGN GOD HAZ  WHTA TEH E FUCK

 **Niall** : what's going on in the boyband house?

 **Harry** : because i like to tease, tease, tease

 **Luke** : oh my fuckign god haz you ahve a hubsand

 **Ash** :the boyband house?  you mean the gay parade full on nudes house full of your otp’s, ot3s, ot4s and ot5s?

 **Niall** : yes, yes that one!

 **Harry** : well if i go there it will be trouble

 **Liam** : don't even ask, ni

 **Liam** : there are dicks everywhere

 **Luke** : but if you stay it will be double

 **Niall** : CAN YOU FAGGOTS STOP QUOTING THE CLASH LYRICS AND ANSWER MY QUESTON

 **Harry** : Calum and Louis  got into huge, messy, naked and loud… … adult reasoning.

 **Luke** : well that's a vivid way how to put it.

 **Niall** : I AM ONMY WAY ASHTON HOLD UP MY CAMERA I HAVE TO SEE THIS OH MY GOD WHY DOES THIS AHHPEHING WHN IM WOUT OF TH HOUSLEHODL

 **Liam** : I should have listened to Zayn and go shopping with him

 **Ash** : DON'T WORRY NI I AM STANDING OUTSIDE MY ROOM, CAPTURING EVERYTHING

 **Harry** : and what is that arguemnt even about?

 **Luke** : I hear something about bottoms?

 **Ash** : I hope calum isn't stupid enough to claim he’s better bottom than Louis

 **Liam** : I hope not. He‘d end up dead, and i’d be his fault

 **Luke** : noone would suit lousi for that, because like noone is better bottom than him okay.

 **Luke** : ive tried the things he's been telling me about with ashton, and i nearly passed out/broken my wrists/fell off the bed/nearly hung myself by accident and got burned by paraffin.

 **Harry** : LUKE OH MY GOD NO YOU WEREN'T SUPOSED TO TRY ANY OF THIS OH MY GOD YOUD NEED YEARS OF PRACTISE

 **Niall** : AND A GOOD DIRECTOR WHOD HELP YOU OUT WITH THE SETTING, BACKGROUND MUSIC AND VIDEORECORDING

 **Liam** : LUKE NO OH MY GOD YOU ARE A BABY NO YOU WEREN'T TRYING ANY OF THIS OH MY DEAR GOD

 **Ash** : don't worry, li, nothing happened. I always make sure he's safe, when he wants to try somehting new.

 **Liam** : I DIDN´T  WANT TO SEE THIS EITHER OH YM GOD WHERE IS CALUM I NEED MY CALUM HE SEEMS TO BE THE ONLY NORMAL PERSON HERE

 **Harry** : youve just seen his dick

 **Luke** : everyone has seen his dick

 **Ash** : yup

 **Ash** : we call it familliary the boomerang

 **Luke** : it's basically a member of our band

 **Ash** : the truth is, we like it way more than we like calum himself

 **Luke** : we just need it to learn to play the bass

 **Ash** : so we can threw calum out of the band.

 **Niall** : we like zayn only for his look

 **Liam** : that's not a nice thing to say

 **Harry** : … where is the lie, tho.

 **Liam** : he's the only one whos dick isn't constantly in my face

 **Luke** : better your face than your ass

 **Ash** : OH MY GOD LUKE

 **Niall** : :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:::D:D:D::D:D:D:D:D::D

 **Liam** : I-

 **Niall** : I showed this to zayn and he says it's golden and were heading home immediately

 **Ash** : Liam what's going on outside your door?

 **Liam** : I DON'T WANNA KNOW ASH

 **Luke** : should i look?

 **Ash** : theyre baniging on his door

 **Liam** : OH MY GOD NOT AGAIN FOR FUCK SAKE I CAN'T TAKE TWO OF THEM I COULD TAKE ZAYN  BUT NOT LOUIS OH MY GOD I DON'T WANT THAT CRAZY LIL BOTTOM NEAR ME EVER AGAIN ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S NAKED HARRY COME HERE AND TAKE HIM AWAY I DON'T WANT LOUIS NEAR MY DICK

 **Ash** : … it seems like theres a story behind this

 **Harry** : well… how to put this into words…

 **Niall** : harry isn't jealous

 **Ash** : obviously

 **Luke** : obviously

 **Harry** : well

 **Niall** : and louis is a cockslut

 **Harry** *smiley emoji* yeah, he is

 **Niall** : and hazz was like, in LA, u know, PR and shit

 **Luke** : oh my god

 **Ash** : no…

 **Niall** : yes.

 **Liam** : THAT LITTLE DEVIL SUCKED MY COCK LIKE A VACUUM CLEANER AND THEN WHEN I THOUGHT I AM DEAD HE SAT DOWN AND SPEND LIKE HALF AN HOUR RIDING THE SHIT OUT OF ME

 **Niall** : yeah

 **Harry** : Happy days

 **Ash** : oh my god niall  swear to go-

 **Niall** : ive got this recorded, it's in my top20 sextapes by my top5 otp‘s

 **Liam** : OH MY GOD ASHTON IF YOU TRY TO BREAK IN NIALLS LAPTOP TO FIND THE THING  ILL PERSONALLY MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP

 **Luke** : what do you mean top 20

 **Ash** : oh my god

 **Liam** : PLEASE SOEMBODY HELTP ME

 **Niall** : ashie, you know my password. It's a folder in „otps“ named „happy days“. It's the one titled „daddy’s cocslut swallowing the pain train: 10 inch in 10 seconds.“

 **Harry** : i haven't seen it in a while

 **Luke** : omg i need

 **Liam** : I AM SCARED FOR MY PENIS AND MY LIFE OH MY GOD PLEASE THEYRE BANGING ON MY DOOR AND I REMEMNBER VIVIDLY WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME SOMEONE WAS TRYING TO GET INTO MY ROOM

 **Ash** : os the password in caps, like for your tumblr?

 **Harry** : yes it is, and it's with a do at the end, i always forget that

 **Liam** : MY BOTTOM STILL HURTS AND IT WAS JSUT CALM FRIENDLY ZAYN

 **Ash** : yeah me too

 **Luke** : which room is nialls?

 **Liam** : SOMEONE TAKE THOS TWO AWAY FROM MY DOOR

 **Ash** : nialls laptop, love, it's in zayns room, he betareads all of nialls fanfics

 **Harry** : i need another chapter of So Much Better.

 **Luke** : ohhhh

 **Liam** : PLEASE SOMEONE TAKE THOSE TWO AWAY FROM MY ROOM I AM SCARED FRO LIFE

 **Ash** : what's that one? Haven't read it yet

 **Harry** : it's actually caston/muke

 **Ash** : nice

 **Liam** : thanks, guys

 **Ash** : what?

 **Luke** : huh?

 **Liam** : they stopped. They left.

 **Ash** : … are you sure it's a good thing

 **Luke** : uh

 **Harry** : theyre banging on Michaels door now

 **Luke** : shit

 **Ash** : shit

 **Liam** : NO OH MY GOD COME BACK BANG ON MY DOOR

 **Ash** : DON'T FUCKING TRY AND WAKE UP THE DRAGON

 **Harry** : OH MY GOD LOUIS NO YOU CAN'T JUST WAKE UP MICHAEL WITHOUT A REASON

 **Liam** : shut up, sh, shhhhh

 **Ash** : you can't wake michael up

 **Luke** : theyre dead

 **Harry** : mikey is gonna kill them

 **Liam** : we are a foursome from now on, haz

 **Niall** : what's going on?!

 **Niall** : guys?!?!

 **Niall** : guys i am scared what's happening

 **Niall** : me and zee are like 3 minutes away

 **Niall** : guys you are scaring me what's going on

 **Mikey** : HOW FUCKING DARE YOU

 **Mikey** : STUPID BITCHES

 **Mikey** :  WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU BE DOING THIS TO ME

 **Mikey** : I WAS HAPPILY OCCURING IN MY NEST

 **Harry** : you can't wake michael up, guys, only if someones life is in danger, you are allowed to gently wake him up by cuddling and cooing those are the household rules

 **Mikey** : I WAS PEACEFULLY TEMPORARY DEAD

 **Luke** : it's called sleep, love

 **Mikey** : AND INT THE MEANTIME  I WAS TEMPORARY DEAD

 **Mikey** : SOMEONE STARTED TO BANG ON MY DOOR

 **Ash** : I am so sorry love it's Calum and Louis.

 **Luke** : they are arguing about bottoming

 **Harry** : I am in awe

 **Liam** : why the fuck yould you be in awe harold this is madness

 **Zayn** : I just read all of this and this is golden

 **Niall** : no this is my beloved gay household

 **Mikey** : I AM BISEXUAL DRAGON WITH ABILITY TO TEMPORARY DIE

 **Luke** : this is sparta!

 **Harry** : Because Couis is arguing about bottoms

 **Niall** : … and calum is still alive…

 **Zayn** : awww, Mikey-kitten, i know, love, don't worry, im home in a sec, ill kill them for you and you can go back to be temporary dead

 **Ash** : …

 **Mikey** : … okay.

 **Luke** : wow

 **Harry** : fuck zee

 **Liam** : we really need you here

 **Ash** : literally i am in awe zayn

 **Luke** : zayn that was amazing

 **Zayn** : i am such a nice god

 **Mikey** : what is their yelling about anyway

 **Zayn** : bottoms.

 **Mikey** : like, bottoming bottoms, or sitting bottoms.

 **Harry** : I-

 **Liam** : wow.

 **Luke** : okay, we need Mikey, i see that, now.

 **Ash** : literally that would explain why is calum still alive, if it's about sitting bottoms.

 **Harry** : well, literally why would he argue

 **Mikey** : exactly

 **Mikey** : I have the best bottom and noone can argue that.

 **Niall** : I-

 **Luke** : oh my god michael

 **Harry** : what the fuck

 **Zayn** : Seriously Clifford what the fuck

 **Harry** : Literally my louis‘ bum is fucking magical literally noone in the fuckign world has got prettier bum than my husband

 **Luke** : wow.

 **Liam** : actually i kinda think calum might have a point. His bum is kinda… nice.

 **Luke** : liam what the fuck

 **Ash** : nononoo y’all fucking blind or what have you ever seen luke’s bum

 **Harry** : literally this band is build on louis‘ bum y’all in denial if you think otherwise

 **Zayn** : seriously you guys fuck off my bum is the best y’all know that i am your sex god.

 **Niall** : Oh my god what the fuck is happening here

 **Harry** : we obviously need all the guys here

 **Michael** : we need to make a poll for this to see whos got the best bum? Well if y’all want it black on white, idk. Youll see it's me, then louis and then calum. Then zayn because i like him.

 **Zayn** : fuck off clifford i have got the best bum everyone can see that

 **Niall** : we are getting couis in this conversation.

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I- 
> 
> Punk-cocks.tumblr.com is where i live you can come by and murder me here violently. Im begging you.


End file.
